In this section of our Colossus Movie Guide for You Hurt My Feelings, we talk about themes that help us understand the film.
Cast
- Beth – Julia Louis-Dreyfus
- Don – Tobias Menzies
- Elliot – Owen Teague
- Sarah – Michaela Watkins
- Mark – Arian Moayed
- Georgia – Jeannie Berlin
- Written by – Nicole Holocener
- Directed by – Nicole Holocener
The themes and meaning of You Hurt My Feelings
The things we say to others: lies and white lies
The closest thing You Hurt My Feelings has to a major confrontation is when Beth overhears Don talking about her novel. Even though he’s spent years telling her how good it is, he hates it. But won’t tell her because he doesn’t believe she handles criticism well. Overhearing such harsh words from a husband who has been nothing but supportive sends Beth reeling. She loses her breath, feels sick, cries a lot, and spends hours obsessing over it in conversation with her sister. For days, she’s distant from Don, treating him coldly but without explanation.
This leads to a series of conversations between the main characters about lies and white lies. Does Sarah ever hate Mark’s acting? Yes. Does she tell him that? Absolutely no. When they ask Mark if he ever dislikes Sarah’s designs, Mark gives a very neutral “I love her style”. The implication is he probably doesn’t like or get everything but he wants to be supportive. The full-circle moment for Beth is how she interacts with her son, Elliot.
Even though Beth hasn’t read a word of the play Elliot’s working on, she keeps telling him that it’s great and will be great and he’s great. This makes Elliot extremely uncomfortable. He’s already self-conscious but also because he sees through the formality of it. It’s a white lie that’s pernicious. Despite Beth meaning well, it’s not helping. Which is at the crux of what’s going on between her and Don. Don believes that, by telling the white lie, he’s being supportive and encouraging and giving Beth the positive reinforcement she needs to keep working. But she believes she wanted honest feedback. Maybe if Don had told her how he really felt, the book would be better. Right? Except as Don says: what does he know? He’s not a writer. He’s not her target audience.
This also extends to Don and his work as a therapist. Every one of his clients is a bit disappointed because Don has been so passive with them. Instead of being honest about what he thinks and attempting to help them solve their issues, he’s only been listening and offering comforting platitudes that are essentially white lies. While it probably doesn’t rise to the level of malpractice and justify the discontent of Jonathan (David Cross) and Carolyn (Amber Tamblyn), it does create a sense of stagnancy.
As Beth, Don, Sarah, Mark have breakthroughs regarding the lies they’ve told themselves and others, they all make progress in their lives and careers. Beth has a new agent and her new novel gets good reviews. Plus, her relationship with Elliot improves. Don begins engaging with his clients in a way that makes them feel like they’re paying for something worthwhile. Sarah finally finds the right light fixture for her picky client. And Mark finds a new path forward when it comes to acting now that his relationship with it has been reset.
The things we say to others: negative and positive reinforcement
The background information we get on Beth is that she had a verbally abusive father. He called her names, ridiculed her, broke her spirit. It was the subject of her memoir. It seems likely that Don was so positive towards Beth no matter what in order to not be like her father. He fears giving her criticism because it probably triggers those bad memories.
But by only ever being supportive, he’s not treating her with respect. It’s infantilizing and calls into question how much of what Don says is ever genuine. With that said, it’s not like he should throw her novel in the trash and tell her to retire. There’s a middle ground between the white lie and the brutal truth. And that middle ground is where good partnerships flourish.
That also gets into Beth and Elliot. She’s always positive towards him because she doesn’t want to be her father. But Elliot reveals her positivity has been destructive in an entirely different way as it’s given him unrealistic expectations for himself. Which has caused a lot of doubt. Beth thought in being the opposite of her father she was a better parent than him, when, in reality, she was damaging in a completely different way.
This resonates with her situation with Don. She gets the dual perspectives of being both the aggriever and the aggrieved. If it was only the situation with Don, Beth may have never understood where he was coming from. Same with Elliot. But because she had both experiences, she is able to forgive Don and improve in her interactions with Elliot.
Professions and identity
All four main characters have arcs dealing with their professions. We see a back and forth dynamic between the quality of their work and the health of their life outside of work. This is most prominent with Beth, Don, Mark, and Elliot. It’s still present for Sarah but less developed. Because Don’s been so caught up in providing Beth with platitudes rather than meaningful discourse, he’s been doing the same for his clients. In turn, his work has suffered and caused him to feel less inspired and satisfied with his job. That’s caused him to be less inspired at home.
It’s the same with Elliot. He gives an example from his childhood. When he started swimming, Beth constantly told him how amazing he was at it. She even enrolled him in advanced swim classes. Except, Elliot wasn’t an amazing swimmer. The instructor told him so and that he shouldn’t even be in the class. But Beth refused to hear it. This dynamic occurred throughout Elliot’s childhood. When he finally got to college, he felt incredibly uncertain about himself. Was he really this special, incredible person his mother told him he was? Or someone much more average? With strengths, sure, but also flaws. Elliot didn’t know how to evaluate himself.
Which is why after college he’s working a pretty low-level job and doubtful about the quality of his writing. The self-doubt instilled by Beth has had a direct impact on Elliot’s professional life. Which then has a direct impact on Elliot’s normal life. We see that in the end of his relationship, as his ex-girlfriend didn’t find him ambitious enough.
You Hurt My Feelings makes sure that its commentary on the relationship between profession and identity is a two-way street, giving the conversation nuance and depth.
Honesty vs stagnancy
Ultimately, it seems that You Hurt My Feelings embraces the power of honesty. When we’re honest with ourselves and others, it allows us to move forward. When you start lying to yourself and hiding your feelings from others, you stagnate. The lie becomes a brick wall we can’t go over, through, under, or around.
With Mark, getting fired from an acting job causes him to have a very real conversation with himself about why he’s even an actor in the first place. For a time, he even thinks he’ll quit. Some viewers might think it’s silly that he goes right back to acting. But it’s no different than what transpires between Beth and Don.
Mark hadn’t been honest with himself about why he wanted to act and why it was important to him. Once he comes to terms with it, it changes the dynamic. He’s no longer doing it out of false pretenses. It’s not some great craft or passion. He simply wanted to be famous. Knowing that, the pressure is gone. The sense of “I need this to be whole” is gone. It becomes part of what Mark chooses to do rather than this thing he’s convinced himself is the lifeblood of who he is. Having cleared the air, he can resume acting in a much healthier, positive way. And, lo and behold, his performance improves.
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