All-Time Movie Rankings | Travis Bean

Hi, my name is Travis Bean. And I have…well. I have what some people say is “unique” taste in movies. Other people would use other adjectives: terrible, questionable, contrarian, etc. And hey, everybody is entitled to their opinions—including me. I like the movies I like and hate the movies I hate for a reason. You may not like it, but that’s the beauty of movie-loving: there’s always a new conversation to have. And I want to drive that discussion.

So Chris (co-founder of Film Colossus) and I decided to start these lists. This page will chronicle and rank every single movie I’ve watched starting January 1, 2022. I will be recording my thoughts about each and every movie along the way. And whatever your reaction—whether it’s anger or combativeness or delight—I want to hear about it. If you disagree with me, leave and comment and I’ll respond. If you think there’s more to love in a film, leave a comment and I’ll respond. If you want to join in and trash a movie I hated, leave a comment and I’ll respond. But don’t just write me off—I won’t have time for that. I don’t want to shy away from how I feel about movies, but embrace it. And I hope it inspire you to do the same.

If you don’t see a movie in these rankings, it either means I’ve never seen it or I haven’t seen it since starting this list (in reality I’ve seen thousands of movies). I watch new movies all the time, but I also greatly enjoy revisiting old favorites. So hopefully this list will become more comprehensive over time. If you’d like to see my ratings for every movie I’ve ever watched, then check out my Letterboxd.

I will not be writing about any new releases in this thread. You can find my 2022 movie rankings and write-ups here.

Table of Contents:

• Last 3 Movies I’ve Watched
• All-Time Movie Rankings
• Movie Diary

Last 3 Movies I’ve Watched

The Devil Wears Parada (2006)

You know those terrible TV shows where every single character seems like an awful human being with no redeeming qualities? And then you wonder how anyone could make themselves watch this crap? That’s how I feel about The Devil Wears Prada. 

I don’t mind when characters are bad people—but they need to be bad people I can become invested in, that I can empathize with. Someone with a shred of humanity that makes me think, “OK, this guy must have had a rough childhood or something.” Just about none of that exists for any character in The Devil Wears Prada (except for the awesome Stanley Tucci, whom I suspect requested the privilege to completely rewrite his character). Everybody in this movie is selfish, is manipulative, is close-minded, is neglectful. Worst of all, they are all completely vapid. 

There are many great movies where the characters are self-consumed narcissists (The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie, Boogie Nights, The Importance of Being Earnest) because those characters are either A) presented compassionately or B) serve as a lesson for the greater good. There’s nothing redemptive about these people who treat each other like garbage, and the “lesson” is a hamfisted and trite one. We get it: Andrea encounters everything she could become for straying from her “destiny” as a serious journalist. Miranda is the self-centered capitalist; Emily is a materialistic robot; and Nigel is what happens if you remain stuck in a job where you’re overshadowed for too long. Oh, and I guess Christian represents your deplorable fate if you…don’t stay with your dunce of a boyfriend who doesn’t listen to you and never tries to give advice that isn’t completely condescending?

Nah, this movie ain’t it. It doesn’t even have very much fun with the fashion formula because it’s too busy rushing back to cover petty, empty drama. From beginning to end, it never takes the right step or makes the right move. An all-around dud of a flick that pretends to be something it very much isn’t. You might as well make me watch a mindless season of television, which is every bit as useless as this movie.

78/52: Hitchcock’s Shower Scene (2017)

The first time I watched Psycho, I wasn’t a huge fan. But the more I’ve read about the film (in anticipation of a giant explanation I plan to write) and the more I’ve learned about Hitchcock’s creative process, the more I’ve become fascinated with everything the film represents. And nothing has provided me with better insight than the documentary 78/52: Hitchcock’s Shower Scene.

As soon as you can get past the cavalcade of celebrities gushing over the “Master of Suspense” (a format that honestly makes me grimace), you can settle into a breathtaking examination of what many consider to be the first slasher from Hollywood. While the technical exploration of Hitchcock’s filmmaking process—from the conception of the script to his work with the actors to the chilling score to the hilarious promotional material for the film—is fascinating, the most delightful part of the documentary was watching everybody’s different interpretations and reactions to the movie. And not just to Psycho itself, but to this single scene from Psycho. You can see the light in people’s eyes as they recall their first memories of witnessing this revolutionary moment from Hitchcock, and you can tell that it’s warped the way they watch and make movies.

By the end of 78/52, you’ve waltzed through a labyrinthine journey that leaves a phenomenal artistic work in even higher regard. I have a feeling the next time I watch Psycho—which will be very soon—I think I’ll be a full-fledged fanboy. WHAT A TWIST!!

Desperado (1995)

A film from Robert Rodriguez has the wisecracking dialogue of a Quentin Tarantino flick; the playfulness of a Wes Craven joint; the gunfire of an Anthony Mann outing. So…why don’t I ever seem to love Rodriguez’s movies? Why does a story like Desperado leave me feeling unfulfilled?

In truth, there’s nothing wrong with the concept or the script, which inherently seems filled with enough melodrama to keep me interested. Sadly, I just can’t ever seem to break into Rodriguez’s stylistic approach. Desperado has notes of the three previously mentioned directors—and perhaps that’s where the problem lies for me. Rodriguez’s aesthetic certainly has its trademarks…yet it never feels unique. Never realized. And always just a little too dogged for me to take seriously.

Tarantino, Crazen, and Mann never sacrifice the drama for humor and style—but sometimes that feels like all Rodriguez is doing. The second I become invested, everything turns into a big joke. Which happens over, and over, and over again. To the point where the kooky dialogue becomes annoying, the wild characters become unrelatable, the outrageous gunfire becomes exhausting. Which leaves me cold by the end. I certainly recognize the talent on display, but I never seem to enjoy Rodriguez like I enjoy those other directors.

All-Time Movie Rankings

All-Time Favorites

1. Showgirls (1995)
2. Magnolia (1999)
3. Mulholland Drive (2001)
4. Superbad (2007)
5. Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
6. Magic Mike XXL (2015)
7. Flash Gordon (1980)

Incredible

8. The Red Shoes (1948)
9. Punch-Drunk Love (2002)
10. Inglourious Basterds (2009)
11. There Will Be Blood (2007)
12. Tammy and the T-Rex (1994)
13. The Birds (1963)
14. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)
15. A Taxing Woman (1987)
16. Malignant (2021)
17. The Piano (1993)
18. jeen-yuhs (2022)
19. Batman & Robin (1997)
20. Nymphomaniac (2013)
21. Groundhog Day (1993)
22. Torn Curtain (1966)
23. Bad Boys II (2003)
24. Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk (2016)
25. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (2001)
26. Wheel of Fortune and Fantasy (2022)
27. The Descent (2005)
28. Bayan Ko (1984)
29. Scream (1996)
30. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010)
31. RoboCop (1987)
32. The Holy Mountain (1973)
33. Citizen Kane (1941)
34. Spider-Man 2 (2004)

Superb

35. Basic Instinct (1992)
36. West Side Story (2021)
37. Now You See Me (2013)
38. Don Jon (2013)
39. Shaun of the Dead (2004)
40. Under the Silver Lake (2018)
41. Clash (1984)
42. Leave Her to Heaven (1945)
43. Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (2017)
44. Melancholia (2011)
45. Happy Gilmore (1996)
46. Get Out (2017)
47. The Gunfighter (1950)
48. Inception (2010)
49. The Holy Mountain (1926)
50. The Last Duel (2021)
51. Benedetta (2021)
52. Underworld: Evolution (2006)
53. Prometheus (2012)
54. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)
55. Night of the Living Dead (1968)
56. X (2022)
57. Puppet Master (1989)
58. They Made Me a Fugitive (1947)
59. Pain & Gain (2013)
60. Where the Sidewalk Ends (1950)
61. Johnny Guitar (1954)
62. Underworld (2003)
63. Dog (2022)
64. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007)
65. Jeepers Creepers (2001)
66. Fargo (1996)
67. Scarface (1983)
68. Alien (1979)
69. The Return of the Living Dead (1985)
70. The Sixth Sense (1999)
71. Cool as Ice (1991)
72. Shadow of a Doubt (1943)
73. I Love You, Man (2009)
74. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009)
75. Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)
76. Nightmare Alley (1947)
77. 300 (2006)

Very Good

78. Ambulance (2022)
79. Saboteur (1942)
80. 21 Jump Street (2012)
81. Ball of Fire (1941)
82. Old (2021)
83. Blade (1998)
84. Parents (1989)
85. The Squid and the Whale (2005)
86. The Man from Laramie (1955)
87. Tenet (2020)
88. Danzón (1991)
89. Castle in the Sky (1986)
90. Licorice Pizza (2021)
91. Arsenic and Old Lace (1944)
92. Frenzy (1972)
93. Light Sleeper (1992)
94. The Caper of the Golden Bulls (1967)
95. 22 Jump Street (2014)
96. RRR (2022)
97. Alien vs. Predator (2004)
98. The Miracle of Morgan’s Creek (1944)
99. Misery (1990)
100. France (2021)
101. The Hurricane Heist (2018)
102. Orphan: First Kill (2022)
103. The Monster Squad (1987)
104. Grease (1978)
105. Akira (1988)
106. The Lake House (2006)
107. Unforgiven (1992)
108. Madman (1981)
109. Kimi (2022)
110. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005)
111. V/H/S/99 (2022)
112. A Taxing Woman’s Return (1988)
113. Alien: Covenant (2017)
114. Murder at the Mansion (2019)
115. First Love (2019)
116. SexWorld (1978)
117. Day for Night (1973)
118. I Am Legend (2007)
119. The Card Counter (2021)
120. Last Night in Soho (2021)
121. The Swimming Pool (1969)
122. Wish Upon (2017)
123. Rubber (2010)
124. The Man Who Knew Too Much (1956)
125. Killing Spree (1987)
126. Constantine (2005)
127. 78/52: Hitchcock’s Shower Scene (2017)
128. History is Made at Night (1937)
129. The Browning Version (1951)
130. Aliens (1986)

Pretty Good

131. Odd Man Out (1947)
132. Road to Salina (1970)
133. Drop Dead Gorgeous (1999)
134. High Sierra (1941)
135. Heathers (1989)
136. The Player (1992)
137. And Soon the Darkness (1970)
138. Dial M for Murder (1954)
139. Out of the Fog (1941)
140. Mad God (2022)
141. Underworld: Blood Wars (2016)
142. Ministry of Fear (1944)
143. My Dinner With Andre (1981)
144. The Green Man (1956)
145. The Night House (2020)
146. House of Gucci (2021)
147. Family Plot (1976)
148. The Voyeurs (2021)
149. A Star is Born (2018)
150. Babysitter (2022)
151. Turkey Shoot (1982)
152. Night Tide (1961)
153. The Blue Lamp (1950)
154. Topaz (1969)
155. Not Okay (2022)
156. Flatliners (1990)
157. Dracula Sucks (1978)
158. Mean Girls (2004)
159. Baby Doll (1956)
160. Magnificent Obsession (1954)
161. The Funeral (1984)
162. Deep Water (2022)
163. The Glass Key (1942)
164. Morbius (2022)
165. The Lodger: A Story of the London Fog (1927)
166. Alita: Battle Angel (2019)
167. Sweet Sweetback’s Baadassss Song (1971)
168. Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore
169. Trouble in Paradise (1932)
170. Spider-Man 3 (2007)
171. Jackass Forever (2022)
172. Midnight Run (1988)
173. Now You See Me 2 (2016)
174. Baby Blood (1990)
175. Spin Me Round (2022)
176. The Bob’s Burgers Movie (2022)
177. The Making of Psycho (1997)
178. A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985)
179. Automata (2014)
180. This Much I Know to Be True (2022)
181. A Mighty Wind (2003)

Misses The Mark

182. Spencer (2021)
183. Holiday (1938)
184. The Gentlemen (2019)
185. Pacific Heights (1990)
186. Suddenly, Last Summer (1959)
187. I Love My Dad (2022)
188. Neighbors (2014)
189. Angel Face (1953)
190. Batman (1989)
191. This is 40 (2012)
192. The Eyes of Tammy Faye (2021)
193. Big Fish (2003)
194. Hud (1963)
195. The Social Network (2010)
196. Alien 3 (1992)
197. Bubble (2022)
198. The French Connection (1971)
199. Wife of a Spy (2020)
200. Me Time (2022)
201. Major League (1989)
202. Desperado (1995)
203. Friends and Strangers (2021)
204. Crazy, Rich, and Deadly (2020)
205. Wedding Crashers (2005)
206. Jolt (2021)

Mediocre

207. The Batman (2022)
208. On the Rocks (2020)
209. Under the Blossoming Cherry Trees (1975)
210. Candyman (2021)
211. Everything Everywhere All at Once (2022)
212. Parasite (2019)
213. Prey (2022)
214. House by the River (1950)
215. The Northman (2022)
216. Ip Man (2008)
217. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009)
218. Vengeance (2022)
219. Down to Earth (2001)
220. Fresh (2022)
221. Death on the Nile (2022)
222. Thou Wast Mild and Lovely (2014)

Just Plain Bad

223. The Daytrippers (1996)
224. Don’t Worry Darling (2022)
225. The King’s Man (2021)
226. Reign of Fire (2002)
227. The Killing of a Sacred Deer (2017)
228. Alien Resurrection (1997)
229. Blade: Trinity (2004)
230. Senior Year (2022)
231. A Time to Kill (1996)
232. Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard (2021)
233. The Lost City (2022)
234. Bodies Bodies Bodies (2022)

Really Bad

235. Don’t Look Up (2021)
236. The Devil Wears Prada (2006)
237. Olympus Has Fallen (2013)
238. Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)
239. Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous (2005)
240. Closer (2004)
241. Spotlight (2015)
242. Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
243. Scream (2022)

Atrocious

244. Vivarium (2019)
245. The Gray Man (2022)
246. Hereditary (2018)

Movie Diary

My Dinner with Andre (1981)

Someone once asked Roger Ebert if he could think of a movie entirely devoid of clichés. His answer: My Dinner with Andre. And I totally agree. My Dinner with Andre certainly isn’t a perfect movie—perhaps not even great. But it’s undeniably transfixing, alluring, perplexing.

It’s a film that’s entirely consumed with the directionless nature of conversation and where it can lead. The dialogue often reminded me of interviews with Kanye West, who often goes spiraling down several different trains of thought that seemingly share no connection…before bringing everything back together in the end to create a complete (albeit incredibly convoluted) circle.

Andre is let loose over the course of a dinner that becomes increasingly enlightening for Wally. Andre’s eccentricities challenge Wally’s humdrum humanism; Andre is chaotic yet intimidatingly centered, where Wally is static yet constantly stressed; Andre’s wild adventures cause Wally to appreciate his quiet life. This push-pull dynamic lends energy to their conversation, even when one person is dominating the discussion. It’s a concept that doesn’t work on paper, yet immediately makes sense once you’ve entered Wally’s reality. You want to listen to Andre because he’s so bizarre that he would force anyone to reevaluate themselves. That’s the energy you want from any movie—but no movie does it like My Dinner with Andre.

The Social Network (2010)

I remember running eight miles in the snow (I didn’t own a car) so I could pick up my blu-ray copy of The Social Network from the post office. I couldn’t wait to watch it—not even until the next morning. I had already seen it in theaters, and could barely afford food and shelter as it was. But…it was The Social Network. It was my generation’s Citizen Kane. So nothing could stop me. 

Fast forward twelve years, and I’ve traded in my enthusiasm for apathy. What once felt like a generational film has now become a corny over-dramatization of rich kids arguing with each other about who invented a useless invention that sent society sideways. Perhaps my current disdain for social media isn’t helping here. But I have a harder time falling for this ostensibly clever flick’s schtick than I did back when social media meant everything to me. David Fincher’s hovering gravity and muted color palette thrives in the right setting, but when paired with Aaron Sorkin’s just flat-out stupid and awful punchy dialogue it loses its muster.

Fincher is an adept filmmaker with a great eye, and he’s able to extract some great performances (from people tripping their way through Sorkin’s eye-rolling wordplay (besides Justin Timberlake, who reveals not even supreme charm can overcome bad writing)), and he gives power and gravitas to rather trivial situations and whiny dialogue. But nothing can hold the most overrated writer in Hollywood back. Sorkin’s words become the star of the show in what supposed to be a visual medium. We’re listening to this movie rather than watching it. And it’s become a bit cumbersome for me to slog through at this point. At best, The Social Network is a very watchable misfire of a movie. And just like Facebook, I won’t be too sad if it’s lost to time.

Parents (1989)

Parents made me realize something very, very sad but very, very true: horror movies have no idea how to be scary anymore. Actually, let me amend that: modern horror has no idea how to be terrifying. Because yeah, maybe a jump-scare is technically “scary.” But Parents plays on childhood trauma in a way that makes modern horror feel either sanitized (as is the case with the new Scream movie) or pretentious (*cough* Hereditary *cough*) or flat-out ridiculous and unwatchable (did anyone see that Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake?).

Parents has none of those problems. It’s a film both completely removed from reality and frighteningly familiar in its machinations. Through a child’s eyes, the world is a scary and confusing place. And moms and dads are often cruel and unforgiving. Parents forces us to step into the shoes of those innocent children that are trying to find themselves in a world that’s already actively tearing them apart—life is hard enough. Some people are born with sinister parental figures who can’t remove themselves from themselves in order to nurture a growing and terrified mind. These children feel lost from the very first moments and spend the rest of their lives trying to catch back up. Parents captures that overwhelming reality, that agony, that trauma so many people face. And it’s done compassionately, artistically, and terrifyingly—exactly how a horror movie should be.

Shaun of the Dead (2004)

Shaun of the Dead is not a perfect movie. But…it’s sort of perfect. Does that make sense? Perfect in what it sets out to accomplish—which is much more philosophical than you’d think—and perfectly unique in the zombie canon. Something has to be said for a movie that’s this entertaining, this gruesome and ridiculous, this mechanical in its comedic clockwork. The film ticks and churns painlessly, from the performances to the zombies to the running jokes. Shaun of the Dead‘s completely bizarre British humor feels both steeped in tradition and refreshingly new—even by today’s standards.

In fact, you’ll be so astounded by Simon Pegg’s deliberate writing and Edgar Wright’s chaotic direction—each of which are perfectly synced with each other—that you might forget how much heart the movie has. This isn’t just a zombie apocalypse; this is a defamiliarization of Shaun being forced to grow up. This is when you have to choose what you care about. This is when you lose people to death, when you lose people to the changes of life. This bloody disarray is all part of the journey we all experience. And the movie moves through it all so effortlessly and brazenly that you won’t need to be guided along that journey—you’ll experience it. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and you’ll look inward as Shaun does.

Jeepers Creepers (2001)

The most engrossing cinematic experiences belong to the emboldened, the unabashed, the genuine. Filmmakers often become so bogged down in their own ideologies that they forget about the root of artistic purpose: to move. To inspire. To amaze and astound and bewilder. You’re so engrossed by Darry and Trish’s escape from death in Jeepers Creepers that you might forget that they’re bickering siblings, that their mother is expecting them home any minute, that hundreds of people that have gone missing on this country road were just like them. Director Victor Silva is too busy catapulting you into this hellish adventure to stop and moralize or lecture with stylistic fluff or mind-numbing exposition—the meaning is inherent in the craft, the style. At the heart of this energetically paced film is a message that pulsates, that beats with anxious ferocity: we can easily and suddenly lose those closest to us. You don’t need to be told that’s the message. You just feel it.

Turkey Shoot (1982)

Unsophisticated sophistication—a big no-no in today’s movie culture (which is why 90% of modern horror movies aren’t any fun)—is a lost art. I was reminded of that minutes into watching Turkey Shoot, as I immediately something very telling that speaks volumes about modern horror movies: I forgot what it was like to be shocked. The acting, the dystopian setting, the weird circus freak that breaks people in half—yeah, this is my kind of horror. Turkey Shoot is an absurd movie that has a sense of humor about itself. The more serious it is, the more ridiculous it becomes—and that’s the fun of it. Back in the 80s, there was an air of separation in many horror movies: you are watching something insane that would never happen in real life. The parallels you can draw to yourself and society are inherent—so why aggrandize and take away from the fun? Movies can be entertaining in superficial ways without sacrificing enlightenment.

Candyman (2021)

You know how some movies have subtext? These underlying messages that are woven throughout the film’s form and style? Well, Candyman is what we’d call a textual film. As a film made from the Black perspective, it’s certainly fascinating and eye-opening. Brianna and Anthony are trying to find their voices in a sea of outsiders trying to capitalize on Black art, in a setting that’s literally been washed clean of Black families. Thus, the Candyman killer becomes both a monstrous and a compassionate depiction of such a casualty. Candyman’s reflection in the mirror serves as a striking reminder that society’s troubled past is always looking right back at us—and Candyman is trying his best to manifest in the real world where he can exact his revenge.

But the philosophy is quickly cheapened in a sea of twists and turns that aggravatingly feel tedious and unnecessary. The movie is about gentrification, about Black identity and exploitation, about police brutality…and so on and on. Is the movie making a good point? Sometimes, yet…sometimes I can’t tell. Which can’t be a great sign. Candyman examines an amalgamation of crises affecting the Black community, which is a cool approach on paper. But after several strangely sanitized killings (an odd trend in modern horror movies) and a number of narrative twists that blockheadedly serve as social commentaries, the catharsis feels saturated.

Automata (2014)

People usually come at me with their eyebrows raised or their noses turned up or their mouths sneered and say something like, “How could you possibly like that movie?” to which I respond with a bowed head and a forlorn sigh as I think, “You’ll never get it…” This is my life. I like movies people hate. And I almost always have a really good reason (I really do!) that I’ve thought deeply about and can articulate very well. And people will usually respond in one of three ways: “Huh, that’s interesting” or “You’re just trying to be different” or “LMAO I’m 15 years old and don’t care.” Then we part ways, and the cycle continues.

But this time…this time is different. This time there’s a fundamental difference in the way we watch and appreciate movies that separates me onto a deserted island. This time I have to explain to you why this movie that definitely isn’t good…is actually quite good. (Huh?)

So. I watched this sci-fi movie called Automata that you’ve never heard of. This totally-off-the-rails wannabe Chappie–Ex Machina crossover shockingly stars Antonio Banderas (who I do believe is reprising his role as El Mariachi in this sick, twisted dystopian setting) as an insurance…investigator? I think? who stumbles upon a case that proves our slave robots are actually becoming smarter and forming their own super-robots, or something like that. I’d go more into the plot, if only I could remember what the heck was going on and why anything led to anything. All you really need to know is Antonio is there to act his butt off as various people who are usually extras in movies with no lines get in the way and respond to the very important piece of society-shaking information that Antonio has just dropped on their doughy heads. 

My reason for watching this movie is even dumber than the plot of Automata itself, and it reveals quite a bit about my movie-watching habits. My wife and I are doing an actor movie chain, which means every movie we watch (when we choose to subject ourselves to this hellish venture) must star an actor from the previous movie. Well, the previous movie was the Michael Keaton thriller about a squatter who won’t leave an apartment called Pacific Heights (a movie that, as I’m astounded to discover while I write this, is only about half as crazy as Automata), which starred Melanie Griffith, who also happens to be in this 2014 sci-fi movie you’ve definitely heard of. We chose this movie because Melanie wasn’t offering us much else, and we couldn’t use Michael Keaton as the connection (he was our connection between Spotlight and Pacific Heights). So we plopped down on the couch and injected a dose of what-the-heck-am-I-watching into our veins.

And I gotta say…it was awesome.

To clarify: the movie itself isn’t awesome. It is, in fact, quite bad. Which…is why it’s awesome. Am I making sense?

No, I’m not. I never do. Whether I’m explaining why a bad movie is actually good or why a bad movie is, yes, indeed bad but actually kinda awesome…it doesn’t really matter. People react the same every time. Good movies aren’t allowed to be anything other than what we’ve defined good movies to be, and you’re not allowed to color outside the lines as a movie lover. Like what you’re supposed to like, and throw the rest in the trash heap where it belongs.

It’s funny, though. The more and more I watch movies—and I’ve watched thousands of them—it’s movies like Automata that leave the biggest impression on me. When I look at the mechanics of Automata, at the logic of the story, at the reasoning behind why everything that happens happens, at the robots that are apparently trying to become more human, at the hilarious attempts at profundity and social commentary, at Dylan McDermott’s recreation of Dirty Harry…I’m simply astounded. I know I’m watching something I’ve never seen before. These other pieces of schlock from Hollywood that are being praised by the critics and influencers as profound and revolutionary? They all feel painstakingly familiar and boring to me half the time. Maybe these movies—known to the world as Knives Out or Spotlight or Everything Everywhere All At Once—are technically sound…but they sure as hell aren’t interesting. They don’t transcend. They don’t enliven my cinematic spirit. Not in the way this completely alien movie known as Automata does. I know for a fact I’ve never seen anything like this before.
So go ahead and scoff your nose, call me names, tell me I’m not trustworthy—I really don’t care. In the meantime, I’m gonna go watch Orphan: First Kill again and try to understand how this 31-year-old woman who’s posing as a lost 12-year-old American girl can get away with having a rather thick Estonian accent. And I’m going to have a lot of fun doing it.

Pain & Gain (2013)

One of the biggest movie crimes I’ve ever committed is waiting nine years to watch Pain & Gain. I mean…I’m Travis motherflippin’ Bean. My part-time job is loving directors you hate and talking about how awesome they are. And Michael Bay belongs at the top of that list. I think 6 Underground is an avant-garde masterpiece that showcased Bay’s otherworldly eye for movement and color—without ever sacrificing character and thematic development. 

The best part of Bay’s movies is that the aesthetic goes way beyond the banal “explosions and aggression” label so many people try to reduce it down to. The hyper-ness of a Bay movie feeds into the emotional journey at hand. 6 Underground is a great example of this. The characters of 6 Underground must give up their lives and pretend to be ghosts. They don’t get to have alter egos like every other superhero…they’re just people. People who must make a gigantic sacrifice that clearly eats away at them. Their inherent struggles is that they must remain in the shadows and be committed to making the world a better place for the living people they care about. The film moves with as they navigate that spiritual trek.

As much as I love 6 Underground and how Bay handles the characters, Pain & Gain stands out to me as his best work in the character development department. The plight of his characters is directly mirrored by the momentum and style of Bay’s aesthetic. And because of that, it becomes a film that’s truly on the level of Scarface in its evisceration of the American Dream. 

People won’t accept such a notion, however—because Scarface is an important, dramatic movie that takes itself very, very seriously…while Pain & Gain is a bit of a joke LOL riiiight??? When a director critiques all the malarkey associated with the American Dream and how this country defines “success,” the people who decide what movies are and aren’t allowed to do—aka the critics, the self-important art lovers, the cinephiles who proclaim that the visual medium of storytelling has a succinct set of rules that must never be violated—believe the movie must have the bite of Scarface or Blue Velvet or A Streetcar Named Desire. You’re not allowed to use adolescent humor to illustrate your social commentary (even though that form exposes the idiocy and naïveté of the American Dream); you can’t use bodybuilders as your protagonists (even if those characters serve as a symbolic representation of this country’s unquenchable consumerism); and you certainly are not permitted to patch that story together with such chaotic editing (even when that approach stylistically captures the tumultuous journey of finding “success” that’s been defined by a primitive drove of greedy, self-serving hogs).

Am I making my point clear? Movie in and move out, Bay is navigating his characters through a bombastic minefield of style and color. The problem isn’t that he isn’t concerned with character and theme—the problem is that we don’t like how he goes about exploring his characters and themes. And we only don’t like it because his approach is so different from everything we’re used to with movies. Pain & Gain is every bit as deep and profound as any cinematic attack on the American Dream I’ve encountered—and I love Scarface and Blue Velvet and A Streetcar Named Desire. In fact, Bay might have one-upped each of those movies by critiquing the American Dream in such a unique manner. Mark this one up as another win for the most over-hated director in the history of Hollywood.

A Star is Born (2018)

I watched A Star is Born back when it came out…and did not understand the hype. It felt so by-the-numbers and unadventurous in a way that so many biopics feel—and this isn’t even a biopic. It felt beholden to a formula that didn’t even apply. Of course the performances were great…but what is else there to grab onto?

The first 45 minutes of my recent rewatch were a completely different experience. The first 24 hours of Jackson and Ally’s romance is a truly magical experience, full of wonder and tension and hope and despondency and elation—pretty much in that order. Bradley Cooper (the director and star) expertly maneuvers Jackson and Ally’s shared time together to expose each of the characters deepest flaws and mental roadblocks that have prevented them from achieving spiritual transcendence. They each have what the other needs, and they’re willing to give it to each other—they just need to meet in the middle. They each need to open up a little bit for a lifelong romance to begin and blossom. The catharsis that comes with Jackson’s concert where Ally sings her song…I mean my god. Incredible. From the emotion you’re getting from the actors to the way the concert is framed to the incredible performances from the singers—it’s too much to handle. So much ground is covered in those first 45 minutes that you feel you’ve fully digested these people. If the movie ended there, it would be one of the best short features ever.

Then…the rest of the movie happens. It’s strange for Cooper’s aesthetic to feel so realized and moving in those opening 24 hours, only for it to become lost in a mishmash of biopic tropes and musical montages that don’t come anywhere near to capturing the magic of the opening scenes. It doesn’t even seem possible that A Star is Born couldn’t do more with the foundation it laid—yet the final scene where Ally is singing to Jackson doesn’t pack anywhere near the emotional punch of that opening “Shallow” number. The build to that moment should run with the energy created in the first 45 minutes. Instead, it’s slogging through the typical rise-and-fall storyline we’ve seen a thousand times.

The best moments are when Cooper and Lady Gaga interact. The movie is so beautiful and lively when they’re simply being and growing together. I really resent that movies feel this need to dramatize, to find a nadir moment that isn’t reflective of reality in the slightest. Why can’t a movie just be about…love? About cooperation and interaction and prosperity? Of course there’s fluctuation in any relationship. But so much of this movie feels dragged down by otherworldly downbeat moments. Love is a beautiful thing, but Hollywood has a tendency to paint it as sad and ugly. I yearn for a movie that allows a relationship to unfold without all the unnecessary and unrealistic fluff.

Alien Resurrection (1997)

Sigh. At some point during my Alien trek, I knew I’d find a dud—and Alien Resurrection is indeed that dud. Even Alien 3 has many redeeming qualities, namely the substantial thematic meat with which the film is embedded. Alien 3 sets up all of these intriguing ideas about female agency and reproductive rights. Does it…do a great job with those themes? Not always—but at least there’s something. There’s a foundation that allows the film to serve as social commentary and be more than a Hollywood spectacle trying to cash in on a major franchise.

Alien Resurrection, on the other hand, constantly feels like it has nothing to say. Ripley comes back in android form…to what effect I’m not sure. Her story is too epic and has too great of a send-off in Alien 3 for this to be her return. As somebody who analyzes movies for a living, I can’t seem to grasp what exactly Jean-Pierre Jeunet is adding to Ripley’s story, to the sprawling commentary the franchise has historically tackled. Perhaps the generational fight for equal rights? The fight against the mega corporations? Against capitalism? How the battle never ends and takes on different forms? Maybe?

Trust me: I don’t need any particular film to be infused with social commentary, or to be making some grand sweeping point. But this is an Alien film, after all, so it’s strange for an entry to not have any of that stuff.

I, of course, can get on board for a goofy slice of entertainment that just wants to have fun with the formula. But even in that department this film is a major slog. The offbeat humor of Jeunet wears off after the third sexist joke from Ron Perlman—actually, it wears off well before that. The action choreography never reaches the gnarly heights expected of a gruesome Alien film, and instead often feels coy or frivolous. Jeunet’s stylistic choices certainly have their own unique rhythm, but for some reason it works much better with a romantic comedy like Amélie than this sci-fi film that randomly decides to be a comedy once in a while. It’s a shame, because Alien Resurrection is a true auteur experience full of self-indulgence—something I truly appreciate. But instead of feeling fun and amusing, it’s exhausting as all heck.

Magnolia (1999)

This is a strange movie to rank. Because…this is the one. Like, the one. The movie that made me fall in love with movies. How do I rank a film like Magnolia against everything else? This movie is everything to me. It’s what kickstarted a lifelong attachment to an artform I had previously taken for granted. How do I put my love of this movie into words? How does a number placement accurately reflect how I feel?

To answer those two questions in order: I can’t possibly, and of course it doesn’t. There aren’t enough pages in a notebook for me to profess my love for this movie—so I won’t bore you. What I will do, however, is reflect on this particular viewing experience. Because it was truly profound.

I’m so excited to continue this movie diary for the rest of my life, because every subsequent viewing of Magnolia will be colored by where I’m at psychologically and ideologically. I have changed so much since my first viewing of Magnolia 16 years ago (my god). I can quote every single line, but now those lines carry an entirely different heft. As I’ve gone out into the world and tried to find my place within it, I’ve experienced many of the same trauma and obstacles experienced by Stanley, and Donnie, and Frank, and Claudia, and Linda, and Jim. Not the literal obstacles (I was never a child genius on a game show), but the emotional baggage that comes with feeling like you’re insignificant, like you don’t fit into this world, like nobody could possibly understand what you’re going through. Of course I saw all of those dynamics playing out the first time I watched Magnolia—but to experience those struggles? To viscerally feel them? That’s a different adventure entirely.

This time through, I was really struck by the loneliness depicted in the characters. Claudia and Jim are debilitated by their solitude, desperate for love to enter their lives; Stanley and Donnie are frozen in time, yearning for their parents, for anyone to view them as more than cute fixtures on TV to “ooh” and “aww” at; Linda and Frank require very different yet strikingly similar emotional relationships from Earl. Even the despicable characters like Jimmy feel lost in their heinous lifestyles, mortified by their scandalous behavior and grieving the fulfillment they never found. It’s an overwhelming mixture of pain and suffering that’s ultimately caused by yourself. Even when people like Jimmy and Earl are to blame, the inability to become your own fully realized individual falls on you. The attitude of Magnolia isn’t “get over it,” but instead (and this is stated very literally) “wise up.” Because it’s not going to stop.

I’ve always adored Magnolia for how adventurous and experimental and self-indulgent it feels without sacrificing entertainment and enlightenment. It’s truly movie-like in how it fluctuates and moves you with incredible acting and captivating scene construction. But more than ever on this viewing, I discovered how realized Paul Thomas Anderon’s aesthetic is. The movie lives and breathes its characters loneliness in an almost uncomfortable manner. Magnolia screams its intentions, yet it never feels obvious or straightforward. It weaves and bends between these characters in a daunting manner, artfully capturing the manicness of our collective mental landscape. We all feel detached and alone in our trauma, yet the trauma is what binds us all. (It felt more relevant than ever in our current divided times.) Never has a movie captured the feeling of life barreling out of control quite like Magnolia. It can often feel like there’s no solution to our problems…until we find it. That moment of clarity and catharsis feels so hidden, yet so crystal clear and natural and obvious once we place it—and it was so much closer than we thought.

There are a million more aspects of Magnolia I could praise and go on and on and on about. But as I’m sure I will continue to revisit this movie over the years, I feel relaxed leaving those thoughts for the next diary entry. Because one year from now—five years from now, twenty years from now, fifty years from now—this movie will carry an entirely different-yet-defining weight that I can’t wait to explore.

Alien vs. Predator (2004)

I feel like I really disappointed everyone with this one. “Surely this is the one time that Travis won’t go against the grain and love a movie we all hate!” everybody thought in unison as I sat down to watch Paul W.S. Anderson’s 2004 reboot (or perhaps reconstruction?) of the Alien franchise. And you guys know me: I love the Alien movies. So I was fully expecting to fall in line and hate this movie with everyone else.

Alas, I’m here to disappoint you once again. Because Alien vs. Predator was freaking awesome and a truly thought-provoking addition to the Alien storyline. The franchise is most fascinating for its deconstruction of the modern female identity. Ripley is a fantastic heroine we can root for—somebody who’s rebelling against the system, fighting a major corporation that has a stranglehold over society, battling to retain agency over her own body. Her ultimate opponent is a parasitic symbol of that fight: an alien creature that’s looking to tear the human race from the inside out. This monstrous creation is a female that’s looking to produce other aliens that will do the same. Thus, the alien becomes a demonized emblem of women—an emblem looking to be controlled and mutated by society. In turn, the alien becomes Ripley’s utmost enemy—the fight against this alien is a fight against horrifying notions regarding femininity.

So how the heck does Alien vs. Predator fit into…any of this? Because of the Predator part. In fact, adding that element makes Anderson’s film one of the most profound entries into the Alien canon.

Think about it. The Predator series is in many ways the opposite of the Alien franchise: the former explores toxic masculinity, while the second explores society’s patriarchal fight to retain control of the feminine figure. But…you can also see how those two storylines would go hand in hand. One thing leads to another. Which makes these franchises a natural fit.

And boy does Anderson deliver. From the get-go, I was quickly reminded of the auteur director’s eye-catching aesthetic. His movies feel like video games—most notably Resident Evil: Retribution, which might be the most underrated film of the past decade—but not in an annoying rigid way. His movies float with that video game form; they become transcendent experiences that feel unlike anything else in cinema. Of course you can not enjoy that aesthetic—but to deny its otherness almost seems perverse. The man is bringing unique insight to storylines that consistently deal with the deterioration of societal values and (subsequently) the destruction of civilization.

Which is what makes Alien vs. Predator so awesome. Anderson’s approach works so well because it finds the humanity behind the hyper-masculine figure that’s looking to extinguish the virulent sentiments manifested in the alien creature. In the original Predator, the Predator constantly challenged (and constantly conquered) the male ego, ripping Dutch and his crew apart without much effort. The Predator isn’t just some enemy—it’s representative of what price such toxic masculinity can cost society. The Predator isn’t necessarily a figure to be conquered, but instead overcome and controlled. The alien, however, is representative of our often blockheaded, neanderthalic society’s stance on women—and that must go. So if an awesome female hero needs to team up with a big masculine Predator to do that? So be it. I’ll watch that kind of entertainment any day of the week.

Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)

Part of me really wanted to give this movie a half-star. In many ways, it deserves it. Spider-Man: Homecoming is everything that’s wrong with franchise movies these days, as it (very candidly) aspires to be part of a cinematic universe rather than have its own story with interesting characters and themes and an aesthetic that separates Spider-Man from other superheroes. Each and every scene has the studio stamp on it, as the movie constantly reminds us of all the other great characters in the Avengers universe and how awesome it is that these superheroes exist, that we get three or four movies featuring these awesome dudes each year. Spider-Man: Homecoming constantly has a smug smile on its face, as Disney executives laugh quietly to themselves and think about their year-end bonuses as people fill the theater seats. The character doesn’t need to be interesting or unique (trust me: he isn’t) for this movie to be successful. It just needs to be part of a gigantic puzzle (which is apparently what was wrong with the Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield Spider-Man movies) for it to be considered a success and be graced with two or three or seven sequels.

But I honestly can’t bring myself to give Spider-Man: Homecoming it the lowest rating possible for a movie because that would be a disservice to the worst movies I’ve ever seen. In reality, this is just another bland movie–one of dozens that I see each year. It’s not offensively awful because there’s nothing offensive about the movie other than just how inoffensive it is. It’s so clearly a studio film with a money-hungry agenda that it never even bothers trying to be a real, ambitious movie that could possibly stir up any sort of negative emotion in me. It’s a boring film with a boring lead and a boring villain; it farts out a couple funny scenes from Robert Downey Jr. and Jon Favreau, who together were probably on set for a total of 180 minutes; and the themes are so eye-rolling obvious and forthrightly stated that it requires almost zero thinking on the viewer’s part for…2 hours and 13 minutes?! Oh my god that’s torture. 

The central struggle of this movie is that a kid doesn’t want to be a kid anymore and would like to become an Avenger. OH SO LIKE EVERY KID THAT’S GOING TO FORCE HIS DEAD-EYED PARENTS INTO THE THEATER THAT SUMMER. It’s moments like these I’m thankful my daughter is just a few months old. I’m hoping she never falls prey to these dumb studio tactics and forces me to watch absolutely mindless schlock. In the end, the comic book nerds are happy (I still cannot fathom why that is important even in the slightest) that their hero is just a regular kid with regular problems and that the movie doesn’t propel the comic book aesthetic to cinematic proportions like Sam Raimi so beautifully did an entire 15 years earlier.

Alien 3 (1992)

I just finished the Alien series (if you don’t count the Alien vs. Predator movies) and was reminded of how interesting its commentary is on motherhood and femininity in a patriarchal society. How the aliens and the world of the aliens comment on reproduction, nurturing, destruction, masculinity—it’s all quite brilliant in this defamiliarized setting where people are fighting for their lives. That goes double for Ripley (Sigourney Weaver’s character), who is constantly forced to destroy the aliens before they obliterate the human race.

Alien 3 is obviously a perfect entry into this grand storyline, as Ripley crashes her ship at a maximum-security correctional facility housed by men with a genetic predisposition for antisocial behavior. The commentary is a bit blunt, amirite? But that’s fine, as it presents another thread to the narrative spinning around Ripley as she battles against the patriarchal powers that be. A baby is literally forced upon her by the aliens, taking away any and all agency over her own body. And the film chronicles her journey to gain that power back.

But while the thematic foundation is strong, the execution is not. Historically, David Fincher does not enjoy this movie and believes it was butchered by the studio in the editing room. Plus, the movie went through so many rewrites and had so many issues on a technical level (most with special effects) that it never came to reflect Fincher’s true vision. And it shows. The movie’s editing feels stilted, never giving Ripley’s story the power and send-off it deserves. Beyond the core concept of the movie, Alien 3 never finds its footing with the patriarchal overtones and forms it into a defined universe like Alien and Aliens (as well as Prometheus and Alien: Covenant) were able to do. There are some great moments in this one. But it’s largely a missed opportunity.

Leave Her to Heaven (1945)

Yesterday, I was fooled by a movie. And I’m just now coming to terms with it.

I chose to watch Leave Her to Heaven because it is, according to many, a film noir—which is possibly my favorite genre of film. But a noir in color? That sounded crazy. Noirs are known for their gritty black-and-white palettes, their heavy shadows, their abundance of dark and claustrophobic settings—none of which lends well to color. Especially technicolor. Nevertheless, I was interested in what Leave Her to Heaven had to offer.

But as the movie unfolded, I found myself continually and firmly holding the position that this was not film noir. It was, stylistically, too much of a departure to fit the genre mold. The characters were too happy and living too much of the “good life.” In a film noir, I expect people to be down on their luck, to feel discarded by the system, to be driven to upend the social structure.

Yet throughout my viewing, there was a nagging sense that something was different. That there was a lurking underbelly to this film that was darker than any film noir I’d ever seen. That something sick and sadistic was pulsing through the veins of my television—a dark truth I was trying my best to pretend it wasn’t there.

The beauty of Leave Her to Heaven is that it tricks you. You’re lured in by the deceptively charming color palette…only for it to jam a knife in your side. Gene Tierney’s crimson lipstick on the lake as a boy calls for help, her melding with the baby blue walls as she approaches the staircase with her unborn child, her fire-hydrant-red bathing suit as her husband mourns—you’re so taken by the beauty that you can’t see director John M. Stahl screaming in your face. Gene Tierney is either one with her environment or in a life-or-death battle to achieve dominance. And that tension has to eventually reach a breaking point.

When people are around, when she’s viewed as a “wife,” she puts on a smiling face and performs her motherly duties. But when she’s alone, she scowls and grimaces as the weight of society sits on her shoulders. Melancholy consumes her. This world—including her husband and her family—is not giving her what she needs. And in the face of her father’s death, it’s tearing her apart. Increasingly, she feels more and more alone as the people in her life continually fail to fill the emotional void.

And this reveals the true “film noir” aspect of the film. Seemingly, everything is great. Society gave her all that she needs. The people around Ellen love her and want the best for her. But…do they understand her? As sick and sadistic and unforgiving as she is, Ellen is ultimately misunderstood—and, thus, cast aside. Everyone sits around waiting for Ellen to pull herself together. She has to come around eventually…right? But she never does. And she punishes the world for it.

Once Leave Her to Heaven reaches its final moments, the movie reveals its final trick. The film has been solely focused on Ellen and her destructive narcissism. But…we never actually hear Ellen’s story, do we? We’ve heard this entire tale from an older gentleman sitting by the lake, who’s merely recounting Richard’s side of the story. So do we ever actually hear the truth? Or are we simply witnessing how society will remember this devilish, indecent woman.

What a twist. That deceiving color palette? Ellen’s shift in mood? Her unhealthy attachment to her father and her emotional stranglehold over her husband? That’s all hyperbolic in a way that’s fitting of a melodrama—but it’s also revealing in a way that makes this movie a true film noir. What’s hidden throughout is that the “truth” about Ellen is only society’s “truth.” Society sees her as a shameless, narcissistic creature, so that’s how she’s presented. But we also know that Ellen was lonely, was depressed, was hoping to rekindle something she’d lost when her father died. Is that so unforgiving? Isn’t that something we can all empathize with? That hidden truth is the black-and-white color palette, the heavy shadow, the claustrophobic environment of a film that has revealed itself to me to be an American classic.

Punch-Drunk Love (2004)

It’s funny to try and rank a movie like Punch-Drunk Love. Or any Paul Thomas Anderson movie for that matter. He was the guy who got me into the movies in the first place. Magnolia completely re-altered my DNA and introduced me to a wonderful new world that I’ve been obsessed with to this day. And early on, Punch-Drunk Love was one of those movies that felt of another world. So when I go to rank a movie like this, other movies don’t really stand a chance—it’s going near the top.

Today, I’ve slotted Punch-Drunk Love in the #6 position—the highest current ranking a movie that’s not part of my “All-Time Favorites” can achieve. I watched the film yesterday with my wife and was transported back to 2006 when I first watched it, yet I found a new appreciation for the film that could have only come with 34 years of living.

Anderson’s youthful, vigorous approach to filmmaking was something I’ve always recognized and loved, and Sandler’s darkly comic performance is one for the ages. But this time around, I was really invested in this man’s ability to break out of his shell, to find his voice in a world that feels chaotic and doesn’t make sense.

At times Punch-Drunk Love feels like a “movie within a movie” without being overwhelmingly obvious about it. Set in the more remote, less glamorous portions of L.A., there’s a striking difference between Barry Egan’s everyday life and his time in Hawaii with Lena. At home the world is gray and constricting and formidable; boxes fall and vehicles crash and blonde brothers chase him down alleyways; his sisters emasculate him and restaurant managers threaten to crack his head open. But when he travels away with Lena, the air becomes pure and unadulterated. The waves faintly flow in and out, the sun peeks through the palm trees, and silhouettes of people pass by like clouds in the sky as Barry and Lena absorb each other. But when they return home…the world threatens them once again. Which means it’s time for Barry to change the story.

Lena’s patience and interest in Barry is as loving as it is mysterious. She sees the broken man within and wants to help, undoubtedly because she sympathizes with and relates to his struggles. We are all fighting battles internally—some are just handling it worse than others. What she sees in Barry isn’t what the world sees or what his sisters see. Hell, it’s not even what Barry sees. Barry is trying to make sense of his life just like Lena, and they came together at just the right time for reasons that couldn’t possibly be put into words.

This is the part where my past self diverges from my current self. Yes, I could always appreciate the onslaught of colors and gorgeous lighting throughout the film. Of course the score has always mesmerized my senses. And obviously I’m overtaken by Sandler’s handling of such a dramatic role. But this time around the movie really crystallized. I saw myself in Barry Egan, who learned to open up to this woman, who became part of the movie’s score, who decided to become director of his own movie. He has enough pudding to travel anywhere in the world with Lena—but he can be happy here with the rest of us as well. The outside world won’t always make sense. But your inner world can.