What is Am I OK? about?
Much of Am I OK? deals with the complications of coming out as queer later in life. In that way, it serves as a PSA for people that, yes, it happens and it’s okay. Nothing is wrong with you because you needed more time to figure it out. But it also uses the friendship between Lucy and Jane to explore issues with codependency and the insidious nature of unequal relationships. As tense as things get, it’s ultimately an uplifting film that asks viewers to check in with themselves about how they’re treating themselves and others.
Cast
- Lucy – Dakota Johnson
- Jane – Sonoya Mizuno
- Danny – Jermaine Fowler
- Kat – Molly Gordon
- Brittany – Kiersey Clemons
- Ben – Whitmer Thomas
- Stu – Sean Hayes
- Sheila – Tig Notaro
- Written by – Lauren Pomerantz
- Directed by – Tig Notaro | Stephanie Allynne
Sometimes a best friend is a bad thing
Obviously Am I OK? is a story about sexual identity and the tricky emotional landscape of coming out in your thirties (or later). That’s such an explicit and text-driven part of the film that you don’t need me to recap it. So we’re going to dive into a few of the other ideas and themes going on.
The big one, I think, is what Am I OK? says about friendship dynamics. Specifically, we see how Lucy and Jane aren’t only codependent but how unequal their relationship is. Lucy relies on Jane, while Jane gets to control Lucy. Sure, they are friends, but they aren’t equals. That’s why the very first line of the film is Jane telling Lucy “You’re gonna get the veggie burger with sweet potato fries.” It’s played off as fun and friendly—of course your best friend would know your favorite order at your favorite diner—but this is a structured narrative. You open with dialogue like that because it establishes certain power dynamics, which is exactly what plays out over the rest of the film.
Am I OK? actually brackets the story with Lucy and Jane at the diner. The opening version is them at their “best” but also, it turns out, at their worst. Lucy is completely stuck, so much so that Jane can recite what Lucy says as Lucy says it. And Jane doesn’t really consider others.
It’s low key but an important bit of dialogue is when Danny walks into the restaurant. Jane says, “Hi, babe. We just ordered. I was starving.” And he says, “Oh, yeah? Well, thank you for waiting that extra thirty seconds I told you it would take me to park.” In reality, it’s not a big deal. But in a film, this is all part of laying the groundwork for the character psychology and relationships.
When we next see the two at the diner, it’s the penultimate scene. A lot has happened. Jane and Lucy didn’t talk for weeks (or months) because of a fight. Danny broke up with Jane because she took the job in London and assumed he’d go with her without ever talking with him about it. And Lucy finally got unstuck.
Prior to the fight between Jane and Lucy, Jane kept trying to “fix” her friend. There were three big things she wanted to change—Lucy needed to date, she needed to start painting again, and she needed to get out of her comfort zone. What was Lucy’s biggest comfort zone? Being around Jane.
As great as their friendship was, as much as they had been through, Lucy had been overly reliant on Jane. They went to lunch together, yoga together, exercised together, got drinks together, did sleepovers, etc. She didn’t have to figure out her own life because Jane would do it for her. They were essentially a married couple without the romance. Lucy even gets jealous when Jane spends time with other people.
Once Jane’s out of Lucy’s life, Jane has to take care of herself. And what happens? She dates. She paints. And she gets out of her comfort zone. So we return to the diner. And things are different. In the opening, Jane confidently ordered first. Now, Lucy takes the lead. No hesitation. No self-doubt. And it’s not her usual veggie burger.
There’s a crucial bit of dialogue. Jane says, “I don’t know why I’ve always been so set on solving your problems.” And Lucy responds with “maybe it’s easier to focus on someone else’s problems than face your own.”
Neither woman wanted to face her own issues. So they used their friendship as an excuse. Lucy could be passive because she had Jane to take the lead. But it also meant that Lucy couldn’t actually support Jane, in good times or bad, because their entire relationship was based on Lucy’s needs. Which is what we see when Lucy first finds out about Jane’s promotion. She isn’t happy for her friend because she’s worried about being left on her own. In short, the pair were not helping one another.
At the end, Jane declares how much she needs Lucy. And the rest of the conversation we see her get to be the needy one as Lucy provides comfort and support.
So, over the course of the film, we see both the highs and lows of a best friend. When things are good, a best friend is a wonderful, necessary thing. But that relationship can also become a crutch that we use to avoid personal issues. A friendship that has lost its equilibrium and symmetry can do more harm than good. Am I OK? shows how messy and worthwhile it can be to get things back to good.
Catharsis through structure
I think it’s worth pointing out the narrative structure used by Am I OK? I call it a catharsis story. It relies on establishing the main character as repressed in some kind of way. Professionally, emotionally, sexually, artistically, psychologically, etc. So much of the plot is about piling on the repression. Until, finally, a breakthrough happens that creates a huge rush of relief in not only the character but also the viewer.
Challengers did this. Events revolve around Art Donaldson’s loss of passion for tennis and if anything can bring back that fire. The Wachowskis did a similar thing with Speed Racer, where the title character is full of potential but just can’t put it all together—until he finally does. In Watchmen, Doctor Manhattan has a catharsis-based subplot, as a god-like figure who has lost interest in humanity.
Dune: Part Two plays with this structure. Paul Atreides has visions that if he takes certain actions, it will trigger an intergalactic war. So he keeps putting off going to a particular place and tries to find other solutions. It weighs on him. But, finally, he realizes he has no other choice. And when he finally gives in, the movie hits a new gear, as Paul gives over to fate and becomes Lisan al Gaib. Usually in a catharsis story, the turn is a good thing, but Paul’s catharsis makes him into more of a villain. This emotional tension has actually caused a lot of people to misread the end of the movie as more positive and heroic.
So the structure is really flexible. You can use it in a grounded, realistic movie like Am I OK? where the catharsis is “I’m dating girls and started painting again!” or in Forgetting Sarah Marshall where it’s “I wrote my vampire musical and cleaned my apartment!” Or you can apply it to sci-fi and fantasy films where the payoff is on a much more dramatic scale, like returning from Mars to prevent World War III, or becoming The One and committing yourself to destroying the Matrix.
I Saw the TV Glow tells a similar story about the trans experience but the catharsis never comes. Instead, the denial wins. It’s really crushing.
Why Lucy goes to London with Jane in Am I OK?’s ending
We talked about it earlier but part of Lucy’s catharsis is not being afraid to go outside of her comfort zone. So spontaneously deciding to fly with Jane to London is a big gesture and a clear sign she’s overcome whatever fear had been drowning her.
We also know that Jane’s in a much more vulnerable state of mind. She doesn’t have Danny, is kind of annoyed with Kat, and was just saying how much she needs Lucy. So Lucy going to London is her stepping up to be the supportive one for once rather than the one always receiving support.
Why is the movie called Am I OK?
We hear the title in the context of Lucy making a joke about “vagice cream”. Jane had been trying to get Lucy to go on dates and had related dating to sampling ice cream flavors. Lucy says vaginas and ice cream aren’t the same. Jane says they are. That leads to the “vagice cream” joke. Afterwards, Lucy asks “Am I okay?”
It’s said in a low key, not so serious way. So if you’re just looking at how it’s used in the film, the title feels kind of throwaway. The meaning comes when you put the title in context with what the film’s about. And Am I OK? is about Lucy coming to terms with her sexuality. She had spent so much of her life trying to be straight that it’s scary to be anything else. She’s so worried about what it means to be a lesbian that she says she doesn’t even like the word.
A couple quotes put the title in context.
First: I feel so stupid. Like, I should have figured this out by now…. Jane, I’m 32 years old. People figure this out when they’re, like, nine. And I don’t even know what I am. I don’t even know if I’m, if I’m really that way and I’m just afraid to admit it. Or if I’m not, and I just, what?, don’t ever, like, date boys? I just should’ve figured it out.
The second immediately follows her asking “Am I okay?” We cut to the friends sitting on a bench. Lucy says: I don’t want to be this thing that’s different. I don’t want to have to tell everybody this big thing. I know that it’s fine, and no one cares, but I care, and I’m late. It’s so late in life.
While Lucy doesn’t directly ask “Am I okay?” about her sexuality, we hear how much it bothers her in relation to her age. Is it okay that she didn’t figure this out already? The movie asks the question in order to answer it with a resounding “yes”. “Yes, you’re okay. You’re fine. It is scary, but you are okay and will be okay.”
Why did Danny break up with Jane?
Jane’s whole thing is that she’s too controlling. It can be nice in the sense that she gets things done. But it’s also problematic because everything revolves around her schedule. She dictates when Lucy can eat a muffin. She orders because she’s hungry rather than waiting for Danny to finish parking the car. And she takes a job in London without discussing it with her boyfriend of 8 years. That’s crazy. Danny says that she never even asked him about going, she just assumed he would.
You could read Danny as a bit of a bad guy, as he could have said something right away. “Hey, whoa, this is something we should talk about.” Or mentioning up front that he likes their life in Los Angeles and doesn’t know about leaving. That would be the mature way of handling it. Instead, he waits and waits and then drops it on Jane in an equally matter of fact way. “I’m not going.”
So Danny essentially breaking up with her is because of Jane’s controlling personality. She bears a lot of responsibility. But he handled it quite immaturely. You could also argue that him not proposing after 8 years, when Jane clearly wanted to get married, was also a sign he was never as serious about the relationship as she was.
Are hammock retreats real?
I tried looking it up and couldn’t find anything. Which is a shame. Seems like it would be nice to go hang out in a hammock all day and have Tig Notaro, in a wig, yelling at you.
